Mitzy is Vacationing.

Mitzy will spend the next week on something frozen in Mongolia. There will be wifi, so still send questions!

- The Mitzy Manager

How are you still alive?

Image by kevindooley via Flickr

Dear mitzy,
I think the Easter bunny is out to kill me. He put toxic chemicals in my basket. And he also put egg shaped nukes in my yard (which are about to simutaniously blow) how can I make sure Santa doesn't do this? (remember I still want to make the "nice" list)

- Blow-up in Belmead




Dear Blow-up,
Blow *him* up first
-mitzy 

Zephyrs???

How many roads must a man walk down before we can call him a man?


Dear Anonymous,
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
-Mitzy

Soggy Marajuana...

Hello I would like you to help me get drugnked out, a mixture of drunk and drugged out. Do you know were I could purchase an item to help me get Drugnked Out?


Dear Anonymous,
Hmm... that's a new one. I don't no, maybe you could get some dope dip it in alcohol and smoke it. (could be flammable) Seems like a good idea to me!
-Mitzy

Just a Few Requirements...

give me paperclips!




Dear _____,
Did you know that we are now selling paperclips in the MitzyStore? Check it out! Plus, if you buy one today, you get another FREE!
-Mitzy

You Probably Won't Even Read This...

Dear Mitzy,

Do you think this computer fad that is going on will last? I don’t think so and am looking for a nice typewriter and some carbon copy paper to stock up on before everyone else does. I welcome your thoughts.

Proud to Ignore Passing Fads

Bell Buckle, TN

Dear Bell Buckle(?),

I hope not. Typewriters don't have Safari (Internet) or email. That means I would lose my life's work! But, if you really want to thats fine with me. If you still have your computer look at this link. Maybe yo could move there.

• Typewriter fans bring out their old machines for a Type-In (philly.com)

Gummy Bears at the right price = :D

What is the secret to enternal happiness, joy, and gummy bears?

Woo hoo

Dear Woo hoo,

I think the secret is to find a store with low gummy bear prices!

- Mitzy

Alcoholic with um... "money"

Dear Mitzy,
Ive heard that you are the best advice columnist around! So I have a slight problem, my mom wants me to get a job! She says I need to get out of her basement and that I am a 35 year old grown man. I think she s a $%&#@! and she is fat too. Oops sorry Mommy!

I need help You see the doctor says I am an alcoholic with anger issues (not a good combo) But that is just about it! the rest is pure video gamer! The real question is... Will you, Mitzy marry me I know this is sudden but my mommy said she would buy a mansion for us! and a pig And i will inherit $1,000,000,000,000. So, what do you say?! Also how do i get rid of my mah teacher,all the teachers, goldfish, the world, yet save my feance, you


Joshie
 
Dear Joshie,
Sorry, no. I will not marry you. Just a short question, why are you living in her basement if you will inherit a mansion and $1,000,000,000,000 (that's a BIG number)?  And no. I will not save you feance, which I'm guessing is a mix between a fence and a cat. Try working at a courthouse. They love alchoholics with "money" there.

- Mitzy

Bathing Zombies

I think I see a zombie in my towel. Should I shoot it or give it graham crackers?
-Bored Sweetie

Dear Bored Sweetie,
Have you ever heard of a hippie on the side of the road?
- Mitzy
-

Why?

dear Mitzy

             

               I am angry that you haven't responded to any of my questions, some of which involve curse words and?or blasfemy. Why?

Dear Why?,

MitzyCares doesn't like to use bad language.

@#$$ %$#$ #$##$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Mitzy

Huh?

Greetenulitory thanks for effodicegletly redanegally respondeeting to my associate, texarcana 3645. This is texarcana 4913 And I woulsd like to effinegly, depositorily solicit information from the seemingly genegous lagatony of refomist informatory propagandalation. Are you (Mitzy) simply a small minded negotiator of neodesmolation? Have you ever cantrolled a major/great inuit? Have you written your fill of negloshglobin. Are you a bad man?

 texarcana 4913

Dear whatever,

No I'm a nice woman Everyone likes me! 

-Mitzy heheehee

Hold Him Hostage!

I need some information that will lead to my capture of tim... a fish, one of your recent associates.

Tim... a mamal

Dear Tim... a mamal, 

I would look on a Tim social networking site. Tim... a gerbil may be able to help, I've used him before. This photo might help:

-Mitzy

Image via Wikipedia

You've got a BIG problem...

Mitzy,
You have to help me!!! My mom keeps spraying me with acid! I don't have a face, but I'm lucky to still have hands. And all I did was eat pudding. Help.
- Faceless in Fort Worth

Dear Faceless,
Who cares? Not me! I think it would be pretty cool not having a face. Look on the bright side... oh, wait. You can't. How do I solve problems like this? Talk to your school counseler.
- Mitzy

No + Yay = Nyay

is Nyay a word? What does it mean?

Dear Friend,
Yes nyay is a word. Haven't you heard it before? It consists of being very happy and saying, "Yay!" whenever denied. It's like a squirrel.
-Mitzy

Ohh Bulldog...

dear mitzy,

I am the quarterback on the varsity football team and the toughest kid around! but the other guys on the team laugh at me because i sleep with a soothing shea butter on my feet with chenille socks to make them feel soft, warm, and fuzzy. I've tried cooking them on a grill, eating their pudding, and even stealing their teddy bear but nothing has worked!!! what should i do?
smiles and sunshine,
Bulldog

Dear bulldog,
get a life.
mitzy

Sleep With One Eye Open

Dear Mitzy,

My son read your blog, and is now deathly afraid that you will come in the night and kill him. Will you?

Concerned Guy. Maryland
 
Dear Concerned Guy,
Read the title.
- Mitzy

Revenge

Dear Mitzy,


I have a very good friend who I invited to a large party celebrating a decade in
our city. However, she didn't show up, and I'm devastated. What should I do?

From,
Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,
I am going to make this short and easy. Destroy her.
- Mitzy

Straight A Kid

My son has been acting up lately. I tried smacking him with my belt and making him stare at History Channel 24/7 without blinking. But, he is still getting straight A's on his report card! How should I disipline him?
- McKenzie The Mom in Montana

Dear McKenzie the Mom,
Disown him. Let him live in a trailor park in North Dakota! He will be much better off there, and out of your life forever. Usually I don't say this, but no more violence is neccessary.
- Mitzy the Un-Mom

Happy Birthday to Me!

To Whom It May Concern,


It is my duty to inform you that you have been nominated by the National

Conglomerate of Advice Columnists, Syndicated Senior Caregivers, Gardening

Experts, and Psychics for one of our national awards! You have been nominated in

the category of Advice Columnists - Online - Niche - Below 10,000 Hits/Year -

Non-English or Other!

To accept your nomination, you must contact one of your executives to confirm

that you are a resident of the United States and do not currently face felony

charges. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Thad C. Stimbleton, Award Ceremony Commisioner

Well thank you Thad!
If this is enough, I confirm that I am a resident of the USA and I don't have a criminal record. You know, this isn't a question; I don't even care how you write with such lameness. For anybody out there that doesn't know, today it is my birthday! And no Thad, I will not contact one of my executives.
- Mitzy

Corn Flakes

I am obssessed with corn flakes! last night I put them in a glass and drank them! Please help


Dear _____,
Good for you. Just stop buying them.
- Mitzy