You've got a BIG problem...

Mitzy,
You have to help me!!! My mom keeps spraying me with acid! I don't have a face, but I'm lucky to still have hands. And all I did was eat pudding. Help.
- Faceless in Fort Worth

Dear Faceless,
Who cares? Not me! I think it would be pretty cool not having a face. Look on the bright side... oh, wait. You can't. How do I solve problems like this? Talk to your school counseler.
- Mitzy

No + Yay = Nyay

is Nyay a word? What does it mean?

Dear Friend,
Yes nyay is a word. Haven't you heard it before? It consists of being very happy and saying, "Yay!" whenever denied. It's like a squirrel.
-Mitzy

Flamethrowers and Fish

I'm a failure at math my teacher hates me and well has givin me detention multible times. People say she hates my guts and to make it better she is my homeroom teacher and is threatining to hold me back! I read your colom everyday and would love to meet you! How can I get my teacher back? Your the best and I need your help!!!


Tim... A fish

Dear Tim...A fish,
You can go the easy way with simple pranks for example, sticking a thumb tack in her chair, or you can do it the Mitzy way. The Mitzy way is to get a hold of a flamethrower and a machete. I think you will know what to do after that. That is how I got rid of my 8th Grade math teacher.
Lots of Luck,
Mitzy

Sleeping Dragons

are dragons going to kill me in the night!

THAT GUY


Dear THAT GUY,
Only if you sleep...
Mitzy

Ohh Bulldog...

dear mitzy,

I am the quarterback on the varsity football team and the toughest kid around! but the other guys on the team laugh at me because i sleep with a soothing shea butter on my feet with chenille socks to make them feel soft, warm, and fuzzy. I've tried cooking them on a grill, eating their pudding, and even stealing their teddy bear but nothing has worked!!! what should i do?
smiles and sunshine,
Bulldog

Dear bulldog,
get a life.
mitzy

Sleep With One Eye Open

Dear Mitzy,

My son read your blog, and is now deathly afraid that you will come in the night and kill him. Will you?

Concerned Guy. Maryland
 
Dear Concerned Guy,
Read the title.
- Mitzy

Revenge

Dear Mitzy,


I have a very good friend who I invited to a large party celebrating a decade in
our city. However, she didn't show up, and I'm devastated. What should I do?

From,
Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,
I am going to make this short and easy. Destroy her.
- Mitzy

Straight A Kid

My son has been acting up lately. I tried smacking him with my belt and making him stare at History Channel 24/7 without blinking. But, he is still getting straight A's on his report card! How should I disipline him?
- McKenzie The Mom in Montana

Dear McKenzie the Mom,
Disown him. Let him live in a trailor park in North Dakota! He will be much better off there, and out of your life forever. Usually I don't say this, but no more violence is neccessary.
- Mitzy the Un-Mom

Sharks and Minnows

Dear Mitzy,

I met a new friend, but she cheats at Sharks & Minnows. Is this a serious character flaw?
Marco

Dear Marco,
I don't think so. I think it's the games fault. The title should be Sharks, Minnows, and Smart People!
- Mitzy

Mitzy Cares Will Not be Dr. Bad Guy Cares Anytime Soon

Hi, I've written into your blog multiple times under several pen names and each time I've had completely satisfactory answers so I am interested in taking over, conquering if you will, mitzycares. What is the password! I know were you live and own several firearms. Please.

Dr. bad guy in ann arbor Michagin

Dear Dr. Bad Guy,
The title almost says it all. For the password try.. Oh, No! I'm out of time. Sorry I couldn't get that password for you!
- Mitzy

Ducks

Dear Mitzy,
My ducks are acting up. What shall I do?
Scared in Maine

Dear Scared,
Roast them. Yum!
- Mitzy

Happy Birthday to Me!

To Whom It May Concern,


It is my duty to inform you that you have been nominated by the National

Conglomerate of Advice Columnists, Syndicated Senior Caregivers, Gardening

Experts, and Psychics for one of our national awards! You have been nominated in

the category of Advice Columnists - Online - Niche - Below 10,000 Hits/Year -

Non-English or Other!

To accept your nomination, you must contact one of your executives to confirm

that you are a resident of the United States and do not currently face felony

charges. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Thad C. Stimbleton, Award Ceremony Commisioner

Well thank you Thad!
If this is enough, I confirm that I am a resident of the USA and I don't have a criminal record. You know, this isn't a question; I don't even care how you write with such lameness. For anybody out there that doesn't know, today it is my birthday! And no Thad, I will not contact one of my executives.
- Mitzy

Die

Dear Mitzy,

Hallo! Ich bin es, derjenige, der Beiträge in deutscher Sprache! Die WM war ein Fehlschlag, aber es war nicht schrecklich. Sie alle werden vor dem Zorn des Paulus die Octopus sterben!Ich liebe es, in einem Octupus 'Garden singen! Im Schatten!
Anyway, ich kann einige knacken?
Love,
Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region


Dear, Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region,
Singen in the schatten! Singen in the schatten! Die Paulus! Die! I also have a knack for engines! As you can tell, I know German!
- Mitzy

Corn Flakes

I am obssessed with corn flakes! last night I put them in a glass and drank them! Please help


Dear _____,
Good for you. Just stop buying them.
- Mitzy

Prison Breakout!!!

dear  Mitzy

 i am in jail for doing drugs. my prison cell is very poorly built, and after a rainstorm, a huge hole appeared in it. this poses a question, should i stay in, or escape and let "the man" hunt me down.

sad prisoner in washington D.C.

Dear Sad Prisoner,

What are you waiting for? Jump out of that hole and grab the nearest gun! Shoot down everyone in your way even your buddy, Turdet. If you want the world to see your success, turn a recording of it to the police by hand. They will understand...

- Mitzy