Dear Mitzy,
Hi I live out on my big ole farm with myself and my humming birds and frogs. I was wondering if you wanted to Mary me so we could raise humming birds and frogs together and name our kids Turdette and Turdita? I'll buy you some arrival/welcome meth
- Myself, Big Ole Farm
Dear Myself,
I'm glad you struck ole! I don't date or Mary people that raise humming birds. Frogs I'm okay with! So, I think you should wait for me outside your ole farm with a paper sack over you head! Don't worry, I won't be there.
- Mitzy
July 20, 2010
Pwom Questions
Dear Mitzy,
I werz wonwing if u wouuldd gggo tu da pwom withh me?!)$&#% givee mee some crackk! Ow $&*% I brung u giftt uv mary juana!!!
-- pweeze, Guam
Dear pweeze,
First of all, I'm in my 40's so, no. Second of all, what is mary juana? Also, no I won't give you crack or go to the pwom with you, whatever that is.
-Mitzy
I werz wonwing if u wouuldd gggo tu da pwom withh me?!)$&#% givee mee some crackk! Ow $&*% I brung u giftt uv mary juana!!!
-- pweeze, Guam
Dear pweeze,
First of all, I'm in my 40's so, no. Second of all, what is mary juana? Also, no I won't give you crack or go to the pwom with you, whatever that is.
-Mitzy
July 14, 2010
BREAKING NEWS
Dear Mitzy,
BREAKING NEWS (according to Yahoo): MEN MAKE FASHION MISTAKES!
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/you-voted-men-s-biggest-fashion-crimes-are-ed-hardy-socks-with-sandals-baggy-jeans-2009624/#photoViewer=1
LOVE,
MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY, Des Moines, Iowa
Dear MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY,
I don't really get this. It is not a question, but, I will give you some advice. Find something you can actually call news and maybe look for some more interesting that would make a good headline.
This is the first time I have ever had a question for the sender. Anyway, How many people voted?
-Mitzy
- Mitzy
BREAKING NEWS (according to Yahoo): MEN MAKE FASHION MISTAKES!
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/you-voted-men-s-biggest-fashion-crimes-are-ed-hardy-socks-with-sandals-baggy-jeans-2009624/#photoViewer=1
LOVE,
MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY, Des Moines, Iowa
Dear MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY,
I don't really get this. It is not a question, but, I will give you some advice. Find something you can actually call news and maybe look for some more interesting that would make a good headline.
This is the first time I have ever had a question for the sender. Anyway, How many people voted?
-Mitzy
- Mitzy
July 10, 2010
omg! Like Iowa.
dear mitzy
me and my like bff r like 16 and were like goin 2 iowa like n a motel with like no cell service omg what should i like do n iowa there is like nothin 2 do up there like what should i like do
tiffany la
btw my parents are like with us omg ikr
Dear Tiffany in L.A.,
I think you should enjoy the outdoors. Forget about your cellular telephone and play outside with your best friend forever. No electronics. Hope I helped!
-Mitzy
me and my like bff r like 16 and were like goin 2 iowa like n a motel with like no cell service omg what should i like do n iowa there is like nothin 2 do up there like what should i like do
tiffany la
btw my parents are like with us omg ikr
Dear Tiffany in L.A.,
I think you should enjoy the outdoors. Forget about your cellular telephone and play outside with your best friend forever. No electronics. Hope I helped!
-Mitzy
Cash 4 Gold
Dear Mitzy,
Recently, I have been sorting through my old things in my attic and noticed that I have an unwanted buildup of 24k gold jewelry, bracelets, and other assorted gold items. Many amazing services, such as Cash Loans for Car Titles (formerly Wienerschnitzel) and the DIVORCE guy's law firm on Waco Drive, are now offering services to melt down my gold and pay me handsomely for it.
Being a dealer of the same, uh, quality of the other two that I've mentioned, do you buy gold?
Love,
Lazarus Waco, TX
Dear Lazarus,
No.
-Mitzy
Recently, I have been sorting through my old things in my attic and noticed that I have an unwanted buildup of 24k gold jewelry, bracelets, and other assorted gold items. Many amazing services, such as Cash Loans for Car Titles (formerly Wienerschnitzel) and the DIVORCE guy's law firm on Waco Drive, are now offering services to melt down my gold and pay me handsomely for it.
Being a dealer of the same, uh, quality of the other two that I've mentioned, do you buy gold?
Love,
Lazarus Waco, TX
Dear Lazarus,
No.
-Mitzy
Easy Bake - Fun or Horror?
Dear Mitzy,
My brother got an easy bake for his birthday, and now he is making "soup" out of melted chocolate, rice milk (a milk made out of rice), ritz crackers, flour, corn, more chocolate, salt, chives, water, sugar, cheese, blueberries, dry ice, normal ice, powdered sugar, whipped cream, and some kind of unrecognizable green stuff. Should I burn it before he makes me eat some?
the small E
Dear the small E,
Really? All you thought about was burning it? First, I think you should stab it with knifes. Then you can burn it.
- Mitzy
My brother got an easy bake for his birthday, and now he is making "soup" out of melted chocolate, rice milk (a milk made out of rice), ritz crackers, flour, corn, more chocolate, salt, chives, water, sugar, cheese, blueberries, dry ice, normal ice, powdered sugar, whipped cream, and some kind of unrecognizable green stuff. Should I burn it before he makes me eat some?
the small E
Dear the small E,
Really? All you thought about was burning it? First, I think you should stab it with knifes. Then you can burn it.
- Mitzy
July 6, 2010
The Apple, Dead Flower, Frayed Ribbon, and Chess Saga
dear Mitzy,
My mom is so bored this summer that she is going to read twilight. Should I put myself up for adoption or disown myself from the family.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you should watch her very closely. There have been reports of extreme fans turning into vampires. The symptoms include, a cough, headaches, and sometimes, in the worst situation possible, she will read book 2. If she is one, run into the middle of the street and yell something until CPS comes.
-Mitzy
My mom is so bored this summer that she is going to read twilight. Should I put myself up for adoption or disown myself from the family.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you should watch her very closely. There have been reports of extreme fans turning into vampires. The symptoms include, a cough, headaches, and sometimes, in the worst situation possible, she will read book 2. If she is one, run into the middle of the street and yell something until CPS comes.
-Mitzy
July 1, 2010
What to do... What to do...
Mitzy,
What cheese should I present to my wife for our first anniversary? I know she loves it, but nothing too expensive. I have to buy a gift for myself.
- Ryan, Mississippi
Dear Ryan,
I would suggest the cheese with port in it. It isn't very expensive and it's pink. Most girls like pink. Or, if that is not available, get some shredded cheddar.
What cheese should I present to my wife for our first anniversary? I know she loves it, but nothing too expensive. I have to buy a gift for myself.
- Ryan, Mississippi
Dear Ryan,
I would suggest the cheese with port in it. It isn't very expensive and it's pink. Most girls like pink. Or, if that is not available, get some shredded cheddar.
A Simple Question, What is the Meaning of Meoh-Hithrihateing Formolations?
Dear Mitzy,
If the no mech-mercanic part of the canadian helevetic to comperterant wil indo-malevolate, then what about the illustrian jerecamerys. And if donnohaven congress is right,and the non demovelsomen eco-predeligates are nonherotanic on the recolithinatic issue, will the commen corn farmer be rejeticly forced to kolithitate? But before you give the mundane, solar-hedrotic con-zemation answer, are you ignoring the zealatic tonothetic heletions? And what about our non-conformist defeonitionists. All in all, what is the meaning of, meoh-hithrihateing formolations.
- No. 74236 veloate in texarkana
Dear No.74236 veloate in texarkana,
Eat some cheese.
- Mitzy
If the no mech-mercanic part of the canadian helevetic to comperterant wil indo-malevolate, then what about the illustrian jerecamerys. And if donnohaven congress is right,and the non demovelsomen eco-predeligates are nonherotanic on the recolithinatic issue, will the commen corn farmer be rejeticly forced to kolithitate? But before you give the mundane, solar-hedrotic con-zemation answer, are you ignoring the zealatic tonothetic heletions? And what about our non-conformist defeonitionists. All in all, what is the meaning of, meoh-hithrihateing formolations.
- No. 74236 veloate in texarkana
Dear No.74236 veloate in texarkana,
Eat some cheese.
- Mitzy
June 24, 2010
Fun, Fun, Fun!
Musty-
I am having problems with my cats. They break into the catnip. They insist on having birthday parties. They gang up on me, which is hard because there are between four and eight cats in here. What should I do?"
-Todd California
Posted on Guestbooker
Dear Todd,
Let them do it! It will provide a fun game for them and you don't have to buy any other kitty-drug infested toys!
Mitzy
I am having problems with my cats. They break into the catnip. They insist on having birthday parties. They gang up on me, which is hard because there are between four and eight cats in here. What should I do?"
-Todd California
Posted on Guestbooker
Dear Todd,
Let them do it! It will provide a fun game for them and you don't have to buy any other kitty-drug infested toys!
Mitzy
Bored
Dear Mitzy,
My problem is that I'm so bored that I am writing you an email just to kill some time. What should I do?
-Bored Guy in Springfield, Indiana
Dear Bored Guy,
Throw some rotten eggs at your neighbors' cars. Its fun!
Mitzy
My problem is that I'm so bored that I am writing you an email just to kill some time. What should I do?
-Bored Guy in Springfield, Indiana
Dear Bored Guy,
Throw some rotten eggs at your neighbors' cars. Its fun!
Mitzy
June 21, 2010
The Office
Help Mitzy! I am stuck in an office with lunatics! They actually work instead of running aroung in circles with a brick. What should I do?
- Normal in the Office, NYC
Dear Normal in the Office,
I think what you are referring to is brick roulette. It is very fun, I must say. There are many games you can play with a brick, like brick tag and duck, duck, BRICK! I think you should keep it up, and maybe you can teach your coworkers to be a little more normal.
-Mitzy
- Normal in the Office, NYC
Dear Normal in the Office,
I think what you are referring to is brick roulette. It is very fun, I must say. There are many games you can play with a brick, like brick tag and duck, duck, BRICK! I think you should keep it up, and maybe you can teach your coworkers to be a little more normal.
-Mitzy
June 18, 2010
Muzzy: An Object of Terror
HELP! My spanish teacher showed my son Muzzy, and he is emotionally scarred for life! All day he stays locked up in his room, with no lights on and the shades closed. Whenever the cat enters, he yells "stop gambling, stop it!" and hits it over the head with a stick. Whenever he sees anything the shape of a bear, he smashes the glass and jumps out of our 20th story apartment. This has happened several times. How can I stop from going bankrupt!
Mother in New York, New York
Dear Mother,
Let your kid sit in a pitch black room with the cat and a lot of windows. Do this until he can overcome his fears of Muzzy. He might also like for you to buy him Muzzy videos. If the cat is unappreciative of this new attention, fly him to Las Vegas. If your kid does not react well, let him jump through the window, and don't fix it. He will get tired of it or die eventually.
Mitzy
Mother in New York, New York
Dear Mother,
Let your kid sit in a pitch black room with the cat and a lot of windows. Do this until he can overcome his fears of Muzzy. He might also like for you to buy him Muzzy videos. If the cat is unappreciative of this new attention, fly him to Las Vegas. If your kid does not react well, let him jump through the window, and don't fix it. He will get tired of it or die eventually.
Mitzy
May 21, 2010
An Average Wedding
My brother was at a wedding, when the guy who says "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace" said "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace"
The husband was forced to change his name from "Bob" to "Avian Almanzo" by his wife.
Anyways, when that guy said "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace", my brother said, "Why does Bob have to change his name?"
"Avian Almanzo" got offended, so he took out his gun and shot my brother 3 1/2 times. What should I do?
Dear No Name, Shoot "Bob" back 4 1/2 times. That will show him! Also, if the police are contacted, run.
Mitzy
The husband was forced to change his name from "Bob" to "Avian Almanzo" by his wife.
Anyways, when that guy said "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace", my brother said, "Why does Bob have to change his name?"
"Avian Almanzo" got offended, so he took out his gun and shot my brother 3 1/2 times. What should I do?
Dear No Name, Shoot "Bob" back 4 1/2 times. That will show him! Also, if the police are contacted, run.
Mitzy
Captive of Wal-Mart
Dear Misty,
You are my only hope. Last night, I received a call from our local Wal-Mart, and the woman seemed to be saying that there was a problem with a purchase by a member of my family. Muzzy, I didn't know anyone was buying anything at the Wal-Mart! This (very young) employee seemed quite worried and frantic about it, and hung up abruptly. Worried, I went right over to the Wal-Mart, where I was arrested for Disorderly Conduct.
Help, Muggsy! These Wal-Mart goons are holding me in a dungeon deep beneath the "Synthetic Fibers" department. I am close to starvation, as I have only bugs to eat, and my only communication tool is a cut-rate "Guzonu" brand computer with a weak internet connection. What should I do, Muffy?
Love,
William,
Captive of Wal-Mart
Dear William, I say, do what they tell you to do and keep on eating bugs for the rest of your life.
Mitzy
You are my only hope. Last night, I received a call from our local Wal-Mart, and the woman seemed to be saying that there was a problem with a purchase by a member of my family. Muzzy, I didn't know anyone was buying anything at the Wal-Mart! This (very young) employee seemed quite worried and frantic about it, and hung up abruptly. Worried, I went right over to the Wal-Mart, where I was arrested for Disorderly Conduct.
Help, Muggsy! These Wal-Mart goons are holding me in a dungeon deep beneath the "Synthetic Fibers" department. I am close to starvation, as I have only bugs to eat, and my only communication tool is a cut-rate "Guzonu" brand computer with a weak internet connection. What should I do, Muffy?
Love,
William,
Captive of Wal-Mart
Dear William, I say, do what they tell you to do and keep on eating bugs for the rest of your life.
Mitzy
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