Well thats not disturbing at all.

Guess what Mitzy, I have been stalking you so closely that I know today is your birthday. I have been secret about it too, you have absolutely no idea who I am or where I live.
Ben Stevenson in west virginia

dear ben,
i'm so honored. i think. should i be?
-mitzy

From What is Wrong With You

Image by Family Oon via Flickr

Hi guys! A yound reader submitted me this story. Read and enjoy!








Once there was a stupid little dedicated spider. He decided to build a web.

A donkey came along. 

"Come, spider," he said. "Let's go frolicking." 

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

A hippopotamus came along.

"Come, spider," he said. "Let's go take some meth."

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

A fish came along.

"Come, spider," said the fish. "Let's go skydiving."

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

The fish, donkey, and hippopotamus felt like the stupid little spider was taking advantage of them.

So they devised a plan.

Finally, the stupid little spider finished his web. It was crummy and tiny and insects didn't get caught in it.

The stupid little spider said, "Oh well, I suppose I was wrong to take advantage of my friends. I'll go apologize."

The fish, hippopotamus, and donkey were waiting for him with flamethowers.

Then the stupid little spider got torched.

Then they torched his stupid little crummy dumb stupid spider house and all of his stupid little crummy dumb stupid personal belongings, and the police station just for good measure.

Let that be a lesson to you kids: don't trust fish.

The End

Look out next week for Chapter Two: The Stupid Little Spider's Revenge From Beyond the Grave!

Mitzy is Vacationing.

Mitzy will spend the next week on something frozen in Mongolia. There will be wifi, so still send questions!

- The Mitzy Manager

How are you still alive?

Image by kevindooley via Flickr

Dear mitzy,
I think the Easter bunny is out to kill me. He put toxic chemicals in my basket. And he also put egg shaped nukes in my yard (which are about to simutaniously blow) how can I make sure Santa doesn't do this? (remember I still want to make the "nice" list)

- Blow-up in Belmead




Dear Blow-up,
Blow *him* up first
-mitzy 

no comment.

I'm spazzzzzzzziiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!!

Hhhhhhheeeeeellllllpppppp me.

I also have the same question about bubbles.

-waiting in willowville





Dear waiting,
whats with the bubbles?
-mitzy

Hibernation Awakened! (it rhymes, ok!)

zzzz......
(smack).............
knife............
facelift.........
stab............
wound.........
burn alive......

kill...........

ritual dance.......

ice cream.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

yawn...........

Mitzy has awakened from her spring hibernation! I'm now back on, and if there has been anything I missed, it will be answered now. Now here is a picture that came up on my "Zemanta Assistant" Media Gallery.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I'm Not Good With Big Words :(

Do you share my opinion that hoarding money gives one long-term unsatisfaction and depression?

Des mois guy in Des Mois, Iowa 

Dear Des Mois Guy,

ehhhh... sure.

-Mitzy

Yay!!!

Mitzy has reached 100 posts! Comment on why the number 100 is awesome!!!
-Mitzy

Yay!!! There Isn't Timeo On My Hands!

I sent you a question and you answered it a few hours later. You must have a lot of free timeo n your hands.

Hal 8999 in Oregon, de Portland.

Dear Hal 8999,

Yes, I do answer questions quickly. But I don't know what timeo is, whatever it is, it's not on my hands.

-Mitzy

Zephyrs???

How many roads must a man walk down before we can call him a man?


Dear Anonymous,
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
-Mitzy

Good for you.

I don't think pens are high quality enough.


Dear Anonymous,
Ok... and you question is?

I Didn't See The Movie

I saw the  Sorcerers Apprentice a few weeks ago, and I didn't get it. Who was that Buckey kid? Why did he make things explode? Why was Buckey's blond friend fond of a song auto-tuned to an inhuman capacity. What did you you think?

Guy in Des Moine, Iowa 

Dear Guy,

I have no clue what you are talking about.

-Mitzy

Soggy Marajuana...

Hello I would like you to help me get drugnked out, a mixture of drunk and drugged out. Do you know were I could purchase an item to help me get Drugnked Out?


Dear Anonymous,
Hmm... that's a new one. I don't no, maybe you could get some dope dip it in alcohol and smoke it. (could be flammable) Seems like a good idea to me!
-Mitzy

Friendly Wolves!

I'm cold and there are wolves after me


Dear Cold,
The best thing to do would be to try to make friends with them. try shaking their paw and see their reaction. If that doesn't work out, you are too late.
-Mitzy

My Ninjas Will Hunt You Down.

Dear Mitzy,

I have written to you many times and you haven't responded. What gives you freaking jerk?

Dear Anonymous,

I don't like being called bad names. There will be my personal army of ninjas at your front door in less than 24 hours.

Mitzy

Sticks are Fun!

Dear Mitzy,

Your counter-part melanie is repeatedly ignoring my annoying comments about my worm. what should I do? 

Dear Anonymous, 
Poke her with a stick.

Spanish is Old. Seychellois Creole is the New Fad!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the spanish alphabet has changed    

nyay  waco, TX

Dear nyay,

What is the point of knowing spanish? I find knowing Seychellois Creole (look it up.) more useful to know.
-Mitzy

I Like Dogs.

Wazzup M

Wares yo fav spot to chillax? 





Dear Anonymous,
Chihuahua, Mexico. The dog is cool and I get cheap drugs... and some illegal weapons. :)

What Does Cheese Eat?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Rita


Dear Rita,
Since humans say cheese while taking a picture, it  is something we eat. So, what does cheese eat? The world may never know.
-Mitzy

You Can't Bribe and Manipulate the Dead

Hello Friend,

I am Dr Abdulaiye Rahmani the bank manager unit of the foreign remittance, department BANK OF AFRICA Burkina ,I got your email address recommended du Burkina FASO business consultant and i decided to contact you for beneficiary and a 100% free business transaction. I am trusting this deal to you by faith and hope that you will handle it without any betrayed .In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US $9.5m ( Nine million five hundred thousand US dollars) In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire in 20TH of July 2002 in a accident car in Burkina Faso the Late Mr Sahid Ali Rahman, A citizen of Nationality of Kuwait and residence in Burkina Faso.

I agree with you to take 25% of this money will be for you and respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be for expenses incurred during the business,70% will before us and my colleagues.

I suggest to hear from you.

Your's faithfully

Dear Dr Abdulaiye Rahmani

First of all, I found your email in my spam box. Second of all, Abdulaiye is a weird name so I am just going to call you Al. Now since we got that over with here is my answer Al. I would love to take the money, but I don't take dead people's money. It wouldn't be any fun because you couldn't bribe or manipulate them. So you are on your own.

-Mitzy

PS - That wasn't even a question.