I Prefer the Unfrozen Ones

> Dear Mitzy
> HELP! My parents moved my siblings and I to a frozen wasteland! How can I force/convince them to move back? HELP!

Dear ____,
Tell them how much better the unfrozen wasteland is! They will be sure to move!
-Mitzy

What Does Cheese Eat?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Rita


Dear Rita,
Since humans say cheese while taking a picture, it  is something we eat. So, what does cheese eat? The world may never know.
-Mitzy

You Can't Bribe and Manipulate the Dead

Hello Friend,

I am Dr Abdulaiye Rahmani the bank manager unit of the foreign remittance, department BANK OF AFRICA Burkina ,I got your email address recommended du Burkina FASO business consultant and i decided to contact you for beneficiary and a 100% free business transaction. I am trusting this deal to you by faith and hope that you will handle it without any betrayed .In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US $9.5m ( Nine million five hundred thousand US dollars) In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire in 20TH of July 2002 in a accident car in Burkina Faso the Late Mr Sahid Ali Rahman, A citizen of Nationality of Kuwait and residence in Burkina Faso.

I agree with you to take 25% of this money will be for you and respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be for expenses incurred during the business,70% will before us and my colleagues.

I suggest to hear from you.

Your's faithfully

Dear Dr Abdulaiye Rahmani

First of all, I found your email in my spam box. Second of all, Abdulaiye is a weird name so I am just going to call you Al. Now since we got that over with here is my answer Al. I would love to take the money, but I don't take dead people's money. It wouldn't be any fun because you couldn't bribe or manipulate them. So you are on your own.

-Mitzy

PS - That wasn't even a question.

Demon Squirrels

Dear Mitzy,
I'm stuck in my room for being grounded. Apparently, smoking pot and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels is bad for a 12 yr old. How can I get revenge on my parents?
-Darla

Dear Darla,
Got any grenades on you? If not, try finding your inner demon squirrel. It always works.
-Mitzy

Demon Squirrel

Clueless

Greetings Mitzy!
My son has been smoking pot and he won't share any of his with me. Any ideas?
- Billie Jo, Mississippi
PS- My son is 43

Dear Billie Jo,
What I think you should do is force him to go to work (If he doesn't have a job, which I am guessing, find little chores for him to do like butchering the grass). While he is working you can invade his stash of pot and run to Mexico!
-Mitzy

You Probably Won't Even Read This...

Dear Mitzy,

Do you think this computer fad that is going on will last? I don’t think so and am looking for a nice typewriter and some carbon copy paper to stock up on before everyone else does. I welcome your thoughts.

Proud to Ignore Passing Fads

Bell Buckle, TN

Dear Bell Buckle(?),

I hope not. Typewriters don't have Safari (Internet) or email. That means I would lose my life's work! But, if you really want to thats fine with me. If you still have your computer look at this link. Maybe yo could move there.

• Typewriter fans bring out their old machines for a Type-In (philly.com)

Apparently Coke=Coca Cola, Not Coke=Cocaine

Dear Mitzy,

Did you know that Coke® strives to refresh the world? They also work by the values of leadership, monopolization, and rationalization. As well as that, they are part of a large scale recycling project. Also, Dr Pepper® sucks. To learn more about Coke® and other products of the Coca-Cola Company®, go to http://www.coke.com/ (ask your parent's permission before going online!).

Dave U., someplace

   

Dear Dave,

I thought you were on to something there, Then I realized you were talking about the beverage, Coca-Cola, not cocaine. Oh well.

Gummy Bears at the right price = :D

What is the secret to enternal happiness, joy, and gummy bears?

Woo hoo

Dear Woo hoo,

I think the secret is to find a store with low gummy bear prices!

- Mitzy

Do Llama's Really Like to Eat Gerbils?

Image by VIDYO via Flickr

What is this supposed to mean? I think it includes the symbolization of life and death, the creation of man and the fall down of us. Or maybe it simply means llama's like to eat gerbils. What do you think?

- Doris,
Perplexed in Pitsburgh

Dear Doris,
I have very deep feelings on this one too. It looks like someone is pouring water over a flower. I think it symbolizes, well nothing.

-Mitzy

I Shoot You

High, higher than the sun


You shoot me from a gun

I need you to elevate me here

At the corner of your lips

As the orbit of your hips

Eclipse

You elevate my soul



I've got no self control

Been living like a mole now

Going down, excavation

I lie in the sky

You make me feel like I can fly

So high

El-Elevation



A star

Lit up like a cigar

Strung out like a guitar

Maybe you can educate my mind



Explain all these controls

Can't sing but I've got soul

The goal is elevation



A mole

Digging in a hole

Digging up my soul now

Going down, excavation



I and I in the sky

You make me feel like I can fly

So high

Elevation



Love

Lift me up from out of these blues

Won't you tell me something true

I believe in you



A mole

Diggin' in a hole

Diggin' up my soul now

Going down, excavation



I lie in the sky

You make me feel like I can fly

So high

El-Elevation



Elevation

Elevation

Elevation

Dear  Elevation,
I have no clue what you just said. The only sentence I recognized was You shoot me from a gun I like guns.
-Mitzy


Elevaaation

Alcoholic with um... "money"

Dear Mitzy,
Ive heard that you are the best advice columnist around! So I have a slight problem, my mom wants me to get a job! She says I need to get out of her basement and that I am a 35 year old grown man. I think she s a $%&#@! and she is fat too. Oops sorry Mommy!

I need help You see the doctor says I am an alcoholic with anger issues (not a good combo) But that is just about it! the rest is pure video gamer! The real question is... Will you, Mitzy marry me I know this is sudden but my mommy said she would buy a mansion for us! and a pig And i will inherit $1,000,000,000,000. So, what do you say?! Also how do i get rid of my mah teacher,all the teachers, goldfish, the world, yet save my feance, you


Joshie
 
Dear Joshie,
Sorry, no. I will not marry you. Just a short question, why are you living in her basement if you will inherit a mansion and $1,000,000,000,000 (that's a BIG number)?  And no. I will not save you feance, which I'm guessing is a mix between a fence and a cat. Try working at a courthouse. They love alchoholics with "money" there.

- Mitzy

Bathing Zombies

I think I see a zombie in my towel. Should I shoot it or give it graham crackers?
-Bored Sweetie

Dear Bored Sweetie,
Have you ever heard of a hippie on the side of the road?
- Mitzy
-

Run! Pixelated People!

Oh my gosh the little people on the tv are going to get me! Help Help!
-Curled up in a Corner

Dear Curled up in a Corner,
Get a life.
-Mitzy

Wait a few more hours...

are you possibly possessed by a demon/dark god?

Dear ......,

Not at the moment.

-Mitzy

Some Laws Mitzy Has Not Followed...

It is illegal to use a decompression chamber to kill a cat in Michigan. 

Glue-sniffing is illegal in Indiana

An individual running a Bridge tournament in Athens-Clarke County, Georgia may not give away chipmunks to encourage people to enter the competition. 

In Anchorage, Alaska, it is illegal to tie a cat to the roof of a car.

One may not legally throw a missile at a car in Alamosa, Colorado.

If you lose your pet kangaroo in Canton, Ohio you must notify the authorities within one hour.

Iguanas may not be brought into barber shops in Juneau, Alaska.

Why?

dear Mitzy

             

               I am angry that you haven't responded to any of my questions, some of which involve curse words and?or blasfemy. Why?

Dear Why?,

MitzyCares doesn't like to use bad language.

@#$$ %$#$ #$##$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Mitzy

Huh?

Greetenulitory thanks for effodicegletly redanegally respondeeting to my associate, texarcana 3645. This is texarcana 4913 And I woulsd like to effinegly, depositorily solicit information from the seemingly genegous lagatony of refomist informatory propagandalation. Are you (Mitzy) simply a small minded negotiator of neodesmolation? Have you ever cantrolled a major/great inuit? Have you written your fill of negloshglobin. Are you a bad man?

 texarcana 4913

Dear whatever,

No I'm a nice woman Everyone likes me! 

-Mitzy heheehee

Hold Him Hostage!

I need some information that will lead to my capture of tim... a fish, one of your recent associates.

Tim... a mamal

Dear Tim... a mamal, 

I would look on a Tim social networking site. Tim... a gerbil may be able to help, I've used him before. This photo might help:

-Mitzy

Image via Wikipedia

You've got a BIG problem...

Mitzy,
You have to help me!!! My mom keeps spraying me with acid! I don't have a face, but I'm lucky to still have hands. And all I did was eat pudding. Help.
- Faceless in Fort Worth

Dear Faceless,
Who cares? Not me! I think it would be pretty cool not having a face. Look on the bright side... oh, wait. You can't. How do I solve problems like this? Talk to your school counseler.
- Mitzy

No + Yay = Nyay

is Nyay a word? What does it mean?

Dear Friend,
Yes nyay is a word. Haven't you heard it before? It consists of being very happy and saying, "Yay!" whenever denied. It's like a squirrel.
-Mitzy

Flamethrowers and Fish

I'm a failure at math my teacher hates me and well has givin me detention multible times. People say she hates my guts and to make it better she is my homeroom teacher and is threatining to hold me back! I read your colom everyday and would love to meet you! How can I get my teacher back? Your the best and I need your help!!!


Tim... A fish

Dear Tim...A fish,
You can go the easy way with simple pranks for example, sticking a thumb tack in her chair, or you can do it the Mitzy way. The Mitzy way is to get a hold of a flamethrower and a machete. I think you will know what to do after that. That is how I got rid of my 8th Grade math teacher.
Lots of Luck,
Mitzy

Sleeping Dragons

are dragons going to kill me in the night!

THAT GUY


Dear THAT GUY,
Only if you sleep...
Mitzy

Ohh Bulldog...

dear mitzy,

I am the quarterback on the varsity football team and the toughest kid around! but the other guys on the team laugh at me because i sleep with a soothing shea butter on my feet with chenille socks to make them feel soft, warm, and fuzzy. I've tried cooking them on a grill, eating their pudding, and even stealing their teddy bear but nothing has worked!!! what should i do?
smiles and sunshine,
Bulldog

Dear bulldog,
get a life.
mitzy

Sleep With One Eye Open

Dear Mitzy,

My son read your blog, and is now deathly afraid that you will come in the night and kill him. Will you?

Concerned Guy. Maryland
 
Dear Concerned Guy,
Read the title.
- Mitzy

Revenge

Dear Mitzy,


I have a very good friend who I invited to a large party celebrating a decade in
our city. However, she didn't show up, and I'm devastated. What should I do?

From,
Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,
I am going to make this short and easy. Destroy her.
- Mitzy

Straight A Kid

My son has been acting up lately. I tried smacking him with my belt and making him stare at History Channel 24/7 without blinking. But, he is still getting straight A's on his report card! How should I disipline him?
- McKenzie The Mom in Montana

Dear McKenzie the Mom,
Disown him. Let him live in a trailor park in North Dakota! He will be much better off there, and out of your life forever. Usually I don't say this, but no more violence is neccessary.
- Mitzy the Un-Mom

Sharks and Minnows

Dear Mitzy,

I met a new friend, but she cheats at Sharks & Minnows. Is this a serious character flaw?
Marco

Dear Marco,
I don't think so. I think it's the games fault. The title should be Sharks, Minnows, and Smart People!
- Mitzy

Mitzy Cares Will Not be Dr. Bad Guy Cares Anytime Soon

Hi, I've written into your blog multiple times under several pen names and each time I've had completely satisfactory answers so I am interested in taking over, conquering if you will, mitzycares. What is the password! I know were you live and own several firearms. Please.

Dr. bad guy in ann arbor Michagin

Dear Dr. Bad Guy,
The title almost says it all. For the password try.. Oh, No! I'm out of time. Sorry I couldn't get that password for you!
- Mitzy

Ducks

Dear Mitzy,
My ducks are acting up. What shall I do?
Scared in Maine

Dear Scared,
Roast them. Yum!
- Mitzy

Happy Birthday to Me!

To Whom It May Concern,


It is my duty to inform you that you have been nominated by the National

Conglomerate of Advice Columnists, Syndicated Senior Caregivers, Gardening

Experts, and Psychics for one of our national awards! You have been nominated in

the category of Advice Columnists - Online - Niche - Below 10,000 Hits/Year -

Non-English or Other!

To accept your nomination, you must contact one of your executives to confirm

that you are a resident of the United States and do not currently face felony

charges. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Thad C. Stimbleton, Award Ceremony Commisioner

Well thank you Thad!
If this is enough, I confirm that I am a resident of the USA and I don't have a criminal record. You know, this isn't a question; I don't even care how you write with such lameness. For anybody out there that doesn't know, today it is my birthday! And no Thad, I will not contact one of my executives.
- Mitzy

Die

Dear Mitzy,

Hallo! Ich bin es, derjenige, der Beiträge in deutscher Sprache! Die WM war ein Fehlschlag, aber es war nicht schrecklich. Sie alle werden vor dem Zorn des Paulus die Octopus sterben!Ich liebe es, in einem Octupus 'Garden singen! Im Schatten!
Anyway, ich kann einige knacken?
Love,
Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region


Dear, Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region,
Singen in the schatten! Singen in the schatten! Die Paulus! Die! I also have a knack for engines! As you can tell, I know German!
- Mitzy

Corn Flakes

I am obssessed with corn flakes! last night I put them in a glass and drank them! Please help


Dear _____,
Good for you. Just stop buying them.
- Mitzy

Prison Breakout!!!

dear  Mitzy

 i am in jail for doing drugs. my prison cell is very poorly built, and after a rainstorm, a huge hole appeared in it. this poses a question, should i stay in, or escape and let "the man" hunt me down.

sad prisoner in washington D.C.

Dear Sad Prisoner,

What are you waiting for? Jump out of that hole and grab the nearest gun! Shoot down everyone in your way even your buddy, Turdet. If you want the world to see your success, turn a recording of it to the police by hand. They will understand...

- Mitzy

Humming Birds and Frogs

Dear Mitzy,
Hi I live out on my big ole farm with myself and my humming birds and frogs. I was wondering if you wanted to Mary me so we could raise humming birds and frogs together and name our kids Turdette and Turdita? I'll buy you some arrival/welcome meth
- Myself, Big Ole Farm


Dear Myself,
I'm glad you struck ole! I don't date or Mary people that raise humming birds. Frogs I'm okay with! So, I think you should wait for me outside your ole farm with a paper sack over you head! Don't worry, I won't be there.
- Mitzy

Pwom Questions

Dear Mitzy,
I werz wonwing if u wouuldd gggo tu da pwom withh me?!)$&#% givee mee some crackk! Ow $&*% I brung u giftt uv mary juana!!!
-- pweeze, Guam


Dear pweeze,
First of all, I'm in my 40's so, no. Second of all, what is mary juana? Also, no I won't give you crack or go to the pwom with you, whatever that is.
-Mitzy

BREAKING NEWS

Dear Mitzy,

BREAKING NEWS (according to Yahoo): MEN MAKE FASHION MISTAKES!
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/you-voted-men-s-biggest-fashion-crimes-are-ed-hardy-socks-with-sandals-baggy-jeans-2009624/#photoViewer=1

LOVE,
MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY, Des Moines, Iowa

Dear MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY,
I don't really get this. It is not a question, but, I will give you some advice. Find something you can actually call news and maybe look for some more interesting that would make a good headline.

This is the first time I have ever had a question for the sender. Anyway, How many people voted?
-Mitzy
- Mitzy

omg! Like Iowa.

dear mitzy
me and my like bff r like 16 and were like goin 2 iowa like n a motel with like no cell service omg what should i like do n iowa there is like nothin 2 do up there like what should i like do
tiffany la
btw my parents are like with us omg ikr

Dear Tiffany in L.A.,
I think you should enjoy the outdoors. Forget about your cellular telephone and play outside with your best friend forever. No electronics. Hope I helped!
-Mitzy

Cash 4 Gold

Dear Mitzy,

Recently, I have been sorting through my old things in my attic and noticed that I have an unwanted buildup of 24k gold jewelry, bracelets, and other assorted gold items. Many amazing services, such as Cash Loans for Car Titles (formerly Wienerschnitzel) and the DIVORCE guy's law firm on Waco Drive, are now offering services to melt down my gold and pay me handsomely for it.

Being a dealer of the same, uh, quality of the other two that I've mentioned, do you buy gold?

Love,
Lazarus Waco, TX

Dear Lazarus,
No.
-Mitzy

Easy Bake - Fun or Horror?

Dear Mitzy,

My brother got an easy bake for his birthday, and now he is making "soup" out of melted chocolate, rice milk (a milk made out of rice), ritz crackers, flour, corn, more chocolate, salt, chives, water, sugar, cheese, blueberries, dry ice, normal ice, powdered sugar, whipped cream, and some kind of unrecognizable green stuff. Should I burn it before he makes me eat some?
the small E

Dear the small E,
Really? All you thought about was burning it? First, I think you should stab it with knifes. Then you can burn it.
- Mitzy

The Apple, Dead Flower, Frayed Ribbon, and Chess Saga

dear Mitzy,

My mom is so bored this summer that she is going to read twilight. Should I put myself up for adoption or disown myself from the family.
-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I think you should watch her very closely. There have been reports of extreme fans turning into vampires. The symptoms include, a cough, headaches, and sometimes, in the worst situation possible, she will read book 2. If she is one, run into the middle of the street and yell something until CPS comes.
-Mitzy

What to do... What to do...

Mitzy,
What cheese should I present to my wife for our first anniversary? I know she loves it, but nothing too expensive. I have to buy a gift for myself.
- Ryan, Mississippi

Dear Ryan,
I would suggest the cheese with port in it. It isn't very expensive and it's pink. Most girls like pink. Or, if that is not available, get some shredded cheddar.

A Simple Question, What is the Meaning of Meoh-Hithrihateing Formolations?

Dear Mitzy,

If the no mech-mercanic part of the canadian helevetic to comperterant wil indo-malevolate, then what about the illustrian jerecamerys. And if donnohaven congress is right,and the non demovelsomen eco-predeligates are nonherotanic on the recolithinatic issue, will the commen corn farmer be rejeticly forced to kolithitate? But before you give the mundane, solar-hedrotic con-zemation answer, are you ignoring the zealatic tonothetic heletions? And what about our non-conformist defeonitionists. All in all, what is the meaning of, meoh-hithrihateing formolations.
- No. 74236 veloate in texarkana

Dear No.74236 veloate in texarkana,
Eat some cheese.
- Mitzy

Fun, Fun, Fun!

Musty-

I am having problems with my cats. They break into the catnip. They insist on having birthday parties. They gang up on me, which is hard because there are between four and eight cats in here. What should I do?"
-Todd California
Posted on Guestbooker

Dear Todd,
Let them do it! It will provide a fun game for them and you don't have to buy any other kitty-drug infested toys!
Mitzy

Bored

Dear Mitzy,
My problem is that I'm so bored that I am writing you an email just to kill some time. What should I do?
-Bored Guy in Springfield, Indiana

Dear Bored Guy,
Throw some rotten eggs at your neighbors' cars. Its fun!
Mitzy

The Office

Help Mitzy! I am stuck in an office with lunatics! They actually work instead of running aroung in circles with a brick. What should I do?
- Normal in the Office, NYC

Dear Normal in the Office,
I think what you are referring to is brick roulette. It is very fun, I must say. There are many games you can play with a brick, like brick tag and duck, duck, BRICK! I think you should keep it up, and maybe you can teach your coworkers to be a little more normal.
-Mitzy

Muzzy: An Object of Terror

HELP! My spanish teacher showed my son Muzzy, and he is emotionally scarred for life! All day he stays locked up in his room, with no lights on and the shades closed. Whenever the cat enters, he yells "stop gambling, stop it!" and hits it over the head with a stick. Whenever he sees anything the shape of a bear, he smashes the glass and jumps out of our 20th story apartment. This has happened several times. How can I stop from going bankrupt!


Mother in New York, New York

Dear Mother,
Let your kid sit in a pitch black room with the cat and a lot of windows. Do this until he can overcome his fears of Muzzy. He might also like for you to buy him Muzzy videos. If the cat is unappreciative of this new attention, fly him to Las Vegas. If your kid does not react well, let him jump through the window, and don't fix it. He will get tired of it or die eventually.
Mitzy

An Average Wedding

My brother was at a wedding, when the guy who says "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace" said "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace"

The husband was forced to change his name from "Bob" to "Avian Almanzo" by his wife.

Anyways, when that guy said "if anyone does not want theses two to get married, speak now or forever hold your peace", my brother said, "Why does Bob have to change his name?"

"Avian Almanzo" got offended, so he took out his gun and shot my brother 3 1/2 times. What should I do?
 
Dear No Name, Shoot "Bob" back 4 1/2 times. That will show him! Also, if the police are contacted, run.
Mitzy

Captive of Wal-Mart

Dear Misty,

You are my only hope. Last night, I received a call from our local Wal-Mart, and the woman seemed to be saying that there was a problem with a purchase by a member of my family. Muzzy, I didn't know anyone was buying anything at the Wal-Mart! This (very young) employee seemed quite worried and frantic about it, and hung up abruptly. Worried, I went right over to the Wal-Mart, where I was arrested for Disorderly Conduct.
Help, Muggsy! These Wal-Mart goons are holding me in a dungeon deep beneath the "Synthetic Fibers" department. I am close to starvation, as I have only bugs to eat, and my only communication tool is a cut-rate "Guzonu" brand computer with a weak internet connection. What should I do, Muffy?
Love,
William,

Captive of Wal-Mart
 
Dear William, I say, do what they tell you to do and keep on eating bugs for the rest of your life.
Mitzy

Drugged Out

Dear Mitzy,
there this thing I, uhhh. Hey, that is good drink and... What!!

I don't, REPUBLICANS, HOW DARE YOU!. Yeah so whaaa, ummm. uhhh uhhhm uuuhhhm worm? undes caredos tractor. Bob have mehugala. Yeah so MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ummmm hmmmmm.
From,
Drugged Out in Denver
P.S. I gott to tell you somthin that guy, he UUUUHHHHHH!

Dear Drugged out in Denver,
I think you should get a cow. You get milk, beef, and money!
- Mitzy

Toes

Dear Mitzy,

Summer is here and that means it's time for sandals! What color should I paint my sweet little toes????
Don't Want to be Tacky Toes in Texas!

Dear Don't Want to be Tacky Toes in Texas,
I would suggest finding a good designer to paint you smoking pot on you biggest toes. They others should all have beer bottles. (including your fingers!)
- Mitzy

Anger Issues

Dear mitzy:
I HATE YOUR #$@%

I can't believe that your $%^# mitzy website is more popular than mine. My question is this, how should I kill you, you %$#@ $%#@!#$!

The guy with anger problems, NYC

Dear The Guy with anger problems,
I suggets that you don't kill me, but here is how you would do it. First locate me by asking me politely.
then show up at my house and start to burn my house down. Hopefully I will be in there.
- Mitzy

Bunnies and Pistols

Dear Mitzy,

I have had a recent breakup with my boyfriend, he broke up with me because he knew I was going to breakup with him. So he lied to my friends and said he didn't know me!!! How can I get REVENGE?!
- Boyfriendless

Dear Boyfriendless,
Well the best way to do it is to publically humiliate him by forcing him into a bunny costume before you shoot him down. Wear a mask of course!
Mitzy

Fashion Update

I am giving an important presentation today at Harvard Law School. Should I wear a tie? What about a suit? Pants? I need fashion advice!
- Confused in Cambridge

Dear Confused in Cambridge,
Of course you should wear a tie, bow ties look the best with the houseshoes (neon rather than pastels). Along with that, swim trunks look nice. Floral Hawaiian patterns look the best. No suit, it completely clashes with the  houseshoes.
- Mitzy

"In" Crowd

Mitzy,
I have a problem. I want to be part of the "in" crowd  at my high school. But, all of them smoke pot and steal from their parents liquor cabinets. What can I do to be popular? Please help.
-Wanting to be the It Girl, South Carolina

Dear Wanting to be the It Girl,
If you really want to be popular you have to ditch your old friends who are not cool and hang out with the "in" crowd. To fit in you should definitely smoke pot and steal from your parents liqour cabinet.
- Mitzy

Math

Dear Mitzy,
Quick, what's seven times six? I told my teacher that I was getting a drink of water, and snuck into the media room. I'm supposed to do it on the board, and I've got a C- average in math! Help!
-Bad Student, Des Moines, Iowa

I'm sorry! I think you should get a new cat. He or she should be quite old, maybe 16 or 17 so they will die quickly.
- Mitzy

Cat Troubles

Dear Mitzy,
I have a problem. My cat recently ran away from home, and I am heartbroken. She was named Mrs. Fluffypaws, and was 14 years, 33 days old. I have posted signs all around the neighborhood, but they are of no use. I fear that I am sinking into deep depression. Please help!
From,
-Cat Lover, Portland, Maine

I think you should storm into that classroom and tell your teacher you are too good for school!
- Mitzy

Obsessed

I am really obsessed about this girl in my school! I want to spend every second with her, I even followed her home from school and sat outside her bedroom window until 3 am! What should I do Mitzy?
- Stalking my Love

Hello Stalking my Love! Here is what you should do. Confess to her that you have been stalking her and she will see your love for her and everything will be allright!
-Mitzy

Stalking Girlfriend!

What should I do if my girlfriend is stalking me?
That Guy

Dear That Guy,
If your girlfriend is stalking you, you should make yourself so unattractive and anyway likeable to keep her away! (If stalking is at an unhealthy level pickle juice is neccessary.) You may lose a few friends but it is all worth it!

Mitzy