Alcoholic with um... "money"

Dear Mitzy,
Ive heard that you are the best advice columnist around! So I have a slight problem, my mom wants me to get a job! She says I need to get out of her basement and that I am a 35 year old grown man. I think she s a $%&#@! and she is fat too. Oops sorry Mommy!

I need help You see the doctor says I am an alcoholic with anger issues (not a good combo) But that is just about it! the rest is pure video gamer! The real question is... Will you, Mitzy marry me I know this is sudden but my mommy said she would buy a mansion for us! and a pig And i will inherit $1,000,000,000,000. So, what do you say?! Also how do i get rid of my mah teacher,all the teachers, goldfish, the world, yet save my feance, you


Joshie
 
Dear Joshie,
Sorry, no. I will not marry you. Just a short question, why are you living in her basement if you will inherit a mansion and $1,000,000,000,000 (that's a BIG number)?  And no. I will not save you feance, which I'm guessing is a mix between a fence and a cat. Try working at a courthouse. They love alchoholics with "money" there.

- Mitzy

Bathing Zombies

I think I see a zombie in my towel. Should I shoot it or give it graham crackers?
-Bored Sweetie

Dear Bored Sweetie,
Have you ever heard of a hippie on the side of the road?
- Mitzy
-

Run! Pixelated People!

Oh my gosh the little people on the tv are going to get me! Help Help!
-Curled up in a Corner

Dear Curled up in a Corner,
Get a life.
-Mitzy

Wait a few more hours...

are you possibly possessed by a demon/dark god?

Dear ......,

Not at the moment.

-Mitzy

Some Laws Mitzy Has Not Followed...

It is illegal to use a decompression chamber to kill a cat in Michigan. 

Glue-sniffing is illegal in Indiana

An individual running a Bridge tournament in Athens-Clarke County, Georgia may not give away chipmunks to encourage people to enter the competition. 

In Anchorage, Alaska, it is illegal to tie a cat to the roof of a car.

One may not legally throw a missile at a car in Alamosa, Colorado.

If you lose your pet kangaroo in Canton, Ohio you must notify the authorities within one hour.

Iguanas may not be brought into barber shops in Juneau, Alaska.

Why?

dear Mitzy

             

               I am angry that you haven't responded to any of my questions, some of which involve curse words and?or blasfemy. Why?

Dear Why?,

MitzyCares doesn't like to use bad language.

@#$$ %$#$ #$##$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Mitzy

Huh?

Greetenulitory thanks for effodicegletly redanegally respondeeting to my associate, texarcana 3645. This is texarcana 4913 And I woulsd like to effinegly, depositorily solicit information from the seemingly genegous lagatony of refomist informatory propagandalation. Are you (Mitzy) simply a small minded negotiator of neodesmolation? Have you ever cantrolled a major/great inuit? Have you written your fill of negloshglobin. Are you a bad man?

 texarcana 4913

Dear whatever,

No I'm a nice woman Everyone likes me! 

-Mitzy heheehee

Hold Him Hostage!

I need some information that will lead to my capture of tim... a fish, one of your recent associates.

Tim... a mamal

Dear Tim... a mamal, 

I would look on a Tim social networking site. Tim... a gerbil may be able to help, I've used him before. This photo might help:

-Mitzy

Image via Wikipedia

You've got a BIG problem...

Mitzy,
You have to help me!!! My mom keeps spraying me with acid! I don't have a face, but I'm lucky to still have hands. And all I did was eat pudding. Help.
- Faceless in Fort Worth

Dear Faceless,
Who cares? Not me! I think it would be pretty cool not having a face. Look on the bright side... oh, wait. You can't. How do I solve problems like this? Talk to your school counseler.
- Mitzy

No + Yay = Nyay

is Nyay a word? What does it mean?

Dear Friend,
Yes nyay is a word. Haven't you heard it before? It consists of being very happy and saying, "Yay!" whenever denied. It's like a squirrel.
-Mitzy

Flamethrowers and Fish

I'm a failure at math my teacher hates me and well has givin me detention multible times. People say she hates my guts and to make it better she is my homeroom teacher and is threatining to hold me back! I read your colom everyday and would love to meet you! How can I get my teacher back? Your the best and I need your help!!!


Tim... A fish

Dear Tim...A fish,
You can go the easy way with simple pranks for example, sticking a thumb tack in her chair, or you can do it the Mitzy way. The Mitzy way is to get a hold of a flamethrower and a machete. I think you will know what to do after that. That is how I got rid of my 8th Grade math teacher.
Lots of Luck,
Mitzy

Sleeping Dragons

are dragons going to kill me in the night!

THAT GUY


Dear THAT GUY,
Only if you sleep...
Mitzy

Ohh Bulldog...

dear mitzy,

I am the quarterback on the varsity football team and the toughest kid around! but the other guys on the team laugh at me because i sleep with a soothing shea butter on my feet with chenille socks to make them feel soft, warm, and fuzzy. I've tried cooking them on a grill, eating their pudding, and even stealing their teddy bear but nothing has worked!!! what should i do?
smiles and sunshine,
Bulldog

Dear bulldog,
get a life.
mitzy

Sleep With One Eye Open

Dear Mitzy,

My son read your blog, and is now deathly afraid that you will come in the night and kill him. Will you?

Concerned Guy. Maryland
 
Dear Concerned Guy,
Read the title.
- Mitzy

Revenge

Dear Mitzy,


I have a very good friend who I invited to a large party celebrating a decade in
our city. However, she didn't show up, and I'm devastated. What should I do?

From,
Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,
I am going to make this short and easy. Destroy her.
- Mitzy