Dear Mitzy,
I have a very good friend who I invited to a large party celebrating a decade in
our city. However, she didn't show up, and I'm devastated. What should I do?
From,
Name Withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
I am going to make this short and easy. Destroy her.
- Mitzy
July 28, 2010
July 24, 2010
Straight A Kid
My son has been acting up lately. I tried smacking him with my belt and making him stare at History Channel 24/7 without blinking. But, he is still getting straight A's on his report card! How should I disipline him?
- McKenzie The Mom in Montana
Dear McKenzie the Mom,
Disown him. Let him live in a trailor park in North Dakota! He will be much better off there, and out of your life forever. Usually I don't say this, but no more violence is neccessary.
- Mitzy the Un-Mom
- McKenzie The Mom in Montana
Dear McKenzie the Mom,
Disown him. Let him live in a trailor park in North Dakota! He will be much better off there, and out of your life forever. Usually I don't say this, but no more violence is neccessary.
- Mitzy the Un-Mom
Sharks and Minnows
Dear Mitzy,
I met a new friend, but she cheats at Sharks & Minnows. Is this a serious character flaw?
Marco
Dear Marco,
I don't think so. I think it's the games fault. The title should be Sharks, Minnows, and Smart People!
- Mitzy
I met a new friend, but she cheats at Sharks & Minnows. Is this a serious character flaw?
Marco
Dear Marco,
I don't think so. I think it's the games fault. The title should be Sharks, Minnows, and Smart People!
- Mitzy
Mitzy Cares Will Not be Dr. Bad Guy Cares Anytime Soon
Hi, I've written into your blog multiple times under several pen names and each time I've had completely satisfactory answers so I am interested in taking over, conquering if you will, mitzycares. What is the password! I know were you live and own several firearms. Please.
Dr. bad guy in ann arbor Michagin
Dear Dr. Bad Guy,
The title almost says it all. For the password try.. Oh, No! I'm out of time. Sorry I couldn't get that password for you!
- Mitzy
Dr. bad guy in ann arbor Michagin
Dear Dr. Bad Guy,
The title almost says it all. For the password try.. Oh, No! I'm out of time. Sorry I couldn't get that password for you!
- Mitzy
Ducks
Dear Mitzy,
My ducks are acting up. What shall I do?
Scared in Maine
Dear Scared,
Roast them. Yum!
- Mitzy
My ducks are acting up. What shall I do?
Scared in Maine
Dear Scared,
Roast them. Yum!
- Mitzy
July 21, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me!
To Whom It May Concern,
It is my duty to inform you that you have been nominated by the National
Conglomerate of Advice Columnists, Syndicated Senior Caregivers, Gardening
Experts, and Psychics for one of our national awards! You have been nominated in
the category of Advice Columnists - Online - Niche - Below 10,000 Hits/Year -
Non-English or Other!
To accept your nomination, you must contact one of your executives to confirm
that you are a resident of the United States and do not currently face felony
charges. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Thad C. Stimbleton, Award Ceremony Commisioner
Well thank you Thad!
If this is enough, I confirm that I am a resident of the USA and I don't have a criminal record. You know, this isn't a question; I don't even care how you write with such lameness. For anybody out there that doesn't know, today it is my birthday! And no Thad, I will not contact one of my executives.
- Mitzy
It is my duty to inform you that you have been nominated by the National
Conglomerate of Advice Columnists, Syndicated Senior Caregivers, Gardening
Experts, and Psychics for one of our national awards! You have been nominated in
the category of Advice Columnists - Online - Niche - Below 10,000 Hits/Year -
Non-English or Other!
To accept your nomination, you must contact one of your executives to confirm
that you are a resident of the United States and do not currently face felony
charges. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Thad C. Stimbleton, Award Ceremony Commisioner
Well thank you Thad!
If this is enough, I confirm that I am a resident of the USA and I don't have a criminal record. You know, this isn't a question; I don't even care how you write with such lameness. For anybody out there that doesn't know, today it is my birthday! And no Thad, I will not contact one of my executives.
- Mitzy
July 20, 2010
Die
Dear Mitzy,
Hallo! Ich bin es, derjenige, der Beiträge in deutscher Sprache! Die WM war ein Fehlschlag, aber es war nicht schrecklich. Sie alle werden vor dem Zorn des Paulus die Octopus sterben!Ich liebe es, in einem Octupus 'Garden singen! Im Schatten!
Anyway, ich kann einige knacken?
Love,
Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region
Dear, Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region,
Singen in the schatten! Singen in the schatten! Die Paulus! Die! I also have a knack for engines! As you can tell, I know German!
- Mitzy
Hallo! Ich bin es, derjenige, der Beiträge in deutscher Sprache! Die WM war ein Fehlschlag, aber es war nicht schrecklich. Sie alle werden vor dem Zorn des Paulus die Octopus sterben!Ich liebe es, in einem Octupus 'Garden singen! Im Schatten!
Anyway, ich kann einige knacken?
Love,
Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region
Dear, Der große Führer der deutsch-österreichischen halbautonomen Region,
Singen in the schatten! Singen in the schatten! Die Paulus! Die! I also have a knack for engines! As you can tell, I know German!
- Mitzy
Corn Flakes
I am obssessed with corn flakes! last night I put them in a glass and drank them! Please help
Dear _____,
Good for you. Just stop buying them.
- Mitzy
Dear _____,
Good for you. Just stop buying them.
- Mitzy
Prison Breakout!!!
dear Mitzy
i am in jail for doing drugs. my prison cell is very poorly built, and after a rainstorm, a huge hole appeared in it. this poses a question, should i stay in, or escape and let "the man" hunt me down.
sad prisoner in washington D.C.
Dear Sad Prisoner,
What are you waiting for? Jump out of that hole and grab the nearest gun! Shoot down everyone in your way even your buddy, Turdet. If you want the world to see your success, turn a recording of it to the police by hand. They will understand...
- Mitzy
Humming Birds and Frogs
Dear Mitzy,
Hi I live out on my big ole farm with myself and my humming birds and frogs. I was wondering if you wanted to Mary me so we could raise humming birds and frogs together and name our kids Turdette and Turdita? I'll buy you some arrival/welcome meth
- Myself, Big Ole Farm
Dear Myself,
I'm glad you struck ole! I don't date or Mary people that raise humming birds. Frogs I'm okay with! So, I think you should wait for me outside your ole farm with a paper sack over you head! Don't worry, I won't be there.
- Mitzy
Hi I live out on my big ole farm with myself and my humming birds and frogs. I was wondering if you wanted to Mary me so we could raise humming birds and frogs together and name our kids Turdette and Turdita? I'll buy you some arrival/welcome meth
- Myself, Big Ole Farm
Dear Myself,
I'm glad you struck ole! I don't date or Mary people that raise humming birds. Frogs I'm okay with! So, I think you should wait for me outside your ole farm with a paper sack over you head! Don't worry, I won't be there.
- Mitzy
Pwom Questions
Dear Mitzy,
I werz wonwing if u wouuldd gggo tu da pwom withh me?!)$&#% givee mee some crackk! Ow $&*% I brung u giftt uv mary juana!!!
-- pweeze, Guam
Dear pweeze,
First of all, I'm in my 40's so, no. Second of all, what is mary juana? Also, no I won't give you crack or go to the pwom with you, whatever that is.
-Mitzy
I werz wonwing if u wouuldd gggo tu da pwom withh me?!)$&#% givee mee some crackk! Ow $&*% I brung u giftt uv mary juana!!!
-- pweeze, Guam
Dear pweeze,
First of all, I'm in my 40's so, no. Second of all, what is mary juana? Also, no I won't give you crack or go to the pwom with you, whatever that is.
-Mitzy
July 14, 2010
BREAKING NEWS
Dear Mitzy,
BREAKING NEWS (according to Yahoo): MEN MAKE FASHION MISTAKES!
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/you-voted-men-s-biggest-fashion-crimes-are-ed-hardy-socks-with-sandals-baggy-jeans-2009624/#photoViewer=1
LOVE,
MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY, Des Moines, Iowa
Dear MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY,
I don't really get this. It is not a question, but, I will give you some advice. Find something you can actually call news and maybe look for some more interesting that would make a good headline.
This is the first time I have ever had a question for the sender. Anyway, How many people voted?
-Mitzy
- Mitzy
BREAKING NEWS (according to Yahoo): MEN MAKE FASHION MISTAKES!
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/you-voted-men-s-biggest-fashion-crimes-are-ed-hardy-socks-with-sandals-baggy-jeans-2009624/#photoViewer=1
LOVE,
MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY, Des Moines, Iowa
Dear MRS. ALL CAPS FASHION YAHOO LADY,
I don't really get this. It is not a question, but, I will give you some advice. Find something you can actually call news and maybe look for some more interesting that would make a good headline.
This is the first time I have ever had a question for the sender. Anyway, How many people voted?
-Mitzy
- Mitzy
July 10, 2010
omg! Like Iowa.
dear mitzy
me and my like bff r like 16 and were like goin 2 iowa like n a motel with like no cell service omg what should i like do n iowa there is like nothin 2 do up there like what should i like do
tiffany la
btw my parents are like with us omg ikr
Dear Tiffany in L.A.,
I think you should enjoy the outdoors. Forget about your cellular telephone and play outside with your best friend forever. No electronics. Hope I helped!
-Mitzy
me and my like bff r like 16 and were like goin 2 iowa like n a motel with like no cell service omg what should i like do n iowa there is like nothin 2 do up there like what should i like do
tiffany la
btw my parents are like with us omg ikr
Dear Tiffany in L.A.,
I think you should enjoy the outdoors. Forget about your cellular telephone and play outside with your best friend forever. No electronics. Hope I helped!
-Mitzy
Cash 4 Gold
Dear Mitzy,
Recently, I have been sorting through my old things in my attic and noticed that I have an unwanted buildup of 24k gold jewelry, bracelets, and other assorted gold items. Many amazing services, such as Cash Loans for Car Titles (formerly Wienerschnitzel) and the DIVORCE guy's law firm on Waco Drive, are now offering services to melt down my gold and pay me handsomely for it.
Being a dealer of the same, uh, quality of the other two that I've mentioned, do you buy gold?
Love,
Lazarus Waco, TX
Dear Lazarus,
No.
-Mitzy
Recently, I have been sorting through my old things in my attic and noticed that I have an unwanted buildup of 24k gold jewelry, bracelets, and other assorted gold items. Many amazing services, such as Cash Loans for Car Titles (formerly Wienerschnitzel) and the DIVORCE guy's law firm on Waco Drive, are now offering services to melt down my gold and pay me handsomely for it.
Being a dealer of the same, uh, quality of the other two that I've mentioned, do you buy gold?
Love,
Lazarus Waco, TX
Dear Lazarus,
No.
-Mitzy
Easy Bake - Fun or Horror?
Dear Mitzy,
My brother got an easy bake for his birthday, and now he is making "soup" out of melted chocolate, rice milk (a milk made out of rice), ritz crackers, flour, corn, more chocolate, salt, chives, water, sugar, cheese, blueberries, dry ice, normal ice, powdered sugar, whipped cream, and some kind of unrecognizable green stuff. Should I burn it before he makes me eat some?
the small E
Dear the small E,
Really? All you thought about was burning it? First, I think you should stab it with knifes. Then you can burn it.
- Mitzy
My brother got an easy bake for his birthday, and now he is making "soup" out of melted chocolate, rice milk (a milk made out of rice), ritz crackers, flour, corn, more chocolate, salt, chives, water, sugar, cheese, blueberries, dry ice, normal ice, powdered sugar, whipped cream, and some kind of unrecognizable green stuff. Should I burn it before he makes me eat some?
the small E
Dear the small E,
Really? All you thought about was burning it? First, I think you should stab it with knifes. Then you can burn it.
- Mitzy
July 6, 2010
The Apple, Dead Flower, Frayed Ribbon, and Chess Saga
dear Mitzy,
My mom is so bored this summer that she is going to read twilight. Should I put myself up for adoption or disown myself from the family.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you should watch her very closely. There have been reports of extreme fans turning into vampires. The symptoms include, a cough, headaches, and sometimes, in the worst situation possible, she will read book 2. If she is one, run into the middle of the street and yell something until CPS comes.
-Mitzy
My mom is so bored this summer that she is going to read twilight. Should I put myself up for adoption or disown myself from the family.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think you should watch her very closely. There have been reports of extreme fans turning into vampires. The symptoms include, a cough, headaches, and sometimes, in the worst situation possible, she will read book 2. If she is one, run into the middle of the street and yell something until CPS comes.
-Mitzy
July 1, 2010
What to do... What to do...
Mitzy,
What cheese should I present to my wife for our first anniversary? I know she loves it, but nothing too expensive. I have to buy a gift for myself.
- Ryan, Mississippi
Dear Ryan,
I would suggest the cheese with port in it. It isn't very expensive and it's pink. Most girls like pink. Or, if that is not available, get some shredded cheddar.
What cheese should I present to my wife for our first anniversary? I know she loves it, but nothing too expensive. I have to buy a gift for myself.
- Ryan, Mississippi
Dear Ryan,
I would suggest the cheese with port in it. It isn't very expensive and it's pink. Most girls like pink. Or, if that is not available, get some shredded cheddar.
A Simple Question, What is the Meaning of Meoh-Hithrihateing Formolations?
Dear Mitzy,
If the no mech-mercanic part of the canadian helevetic to comperterant wil indo-malevolate, then what about the illustrian jerecamerys. And if donnohaven congress is right,and the non demovelsomen eco-predeligates are nonherotanic on the recolithinatic issue, will the commen corn farmer be rejeticly forced to kolithitate? But before you give the mundane, solar-hedrotic con-zemation answer, are you ignoring the zealatic tonothetic heletions? And what about our non-conformist defeonitionists. All in all, what is the meaning of, meoh-hithrihateing formolations.
- No. 74236 veloate in texarkana
Dear No.74236 veloate in texarkana,
Eat some cheese.
- Mitzy
If the no mech-mercanic part of the canadian helevetic to comperterant wil indo-malevolate, then what about the illustrian jerecamerys. And if donnohaven congress is right,and the non demovelsomen eco-predeligates are nonherotanic on the recolithinatic issue, will the commen corn farmer be rejeticly forced to kolithitate? But before you give the mundane, solar-hedrotic con-zemation answer, are you ignoring the zealatic tonothetic heletions? And what about our non-conformist defeonitionists. All in all, what is the meaning of, meoh-hithrihateing formolations.
- No. 74236 veloate in texarkana
Dear No.74236 veloate in texarkana,
Eat some cheese.
- Mitzy
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